So I had another one of those high hopes last month where I thought I was pregnant, atleast I was hoping… really hard! I was 5 days late.. then just like that TOM decides to visit! WHYYYY!!? Its just been draining! I try so hard not to think about it and just let it happen, but sometimes I just cant help it!! I know my time will come, but can It come soon? Im so eager to start this little family of ours! ;(

Last year we conceived in February.. Maybe february is our lucky month! 

TOM ended visiting 6 days later. There goes another disappointment! Oh well, there’s always this month! Bummer! 

According to my P Tracker, Tom is suppose to be visiting today (Tom = Time Of Month). And as usual I was expecting it, BUT hopes it doesnt come. Well Tom hasnt showed up. I’ve been having a lot of mucusy discharge in my underwear (sorry, tmi) and Im not sure what to think of it. Its clear but not stretchy as it would be during ovulation. I took a pregnancy test 2 days ago cuz I was feeling weird. BUT sadly it was, as I expected, negative. This whole TTC has been emotionally draining. I hope for it every month, but every month I get disappointed. Its been 6 months and some days since the mc. We didnt start ttc-ing again til June-ish. And every month its just been draining. My cycles have been all over the place since May. I didnt have one in July and it came in but had twice in August. But it seemed as if its slowly went back to normal for August to September.

So this is how its been logged: I got my first period back after the MC, on May 15 (which was around the normal day I would get it pre-pregnancy). June 26 it was a 42 days cycle length. Skipped July. Aug 2 was an average 37 days. Then I got it again August 28, which is 26 days cycle length. Then the last time I got it was September 27 with a 30 day cycle length. So I was suppose to get it today. Im scared to test again just because Im tired of disappointing myself. If Tom still doesnt visit in a week, I’ll test. So lets hope Tom never comes and I am. (cross fingers) But I wont expect much. 

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and she suggested we got “busy” every other day after my period. BUT thats been hard because of Johns schedule. And now that Im working were both tired. When one wants it, the other is already fas asleep! Haha!

Anyone else feel this way? Its emotionally frustrating.. especially with everyone else being pregnant around me. :(

Time does fly though! All of that feels like it just happened yesterday. I can still remember the night very clearly. But anyway, Ive already ranted and vented about this so I dont wanna sound redundant! 

I went to the doctors today to get a papsmear because I thought I was due for one, but I guess since I was pregnant the paps they did for me then will have to do. So i didnt get one, but rather a very thoughtful conversation with my provider. Even though I didnt need a paps, she took the time to see me anyway. We just talked about miscarries and trying to conceive again. She told me her story about her experience with miscarriages and how she tried for a while before having both her kids. She said stress levels can play a big factor. Like stressing over when and if. She said to just let it be and let my body relax and readjust. Like I said my cycles are slowly getting back to my regular cycle pre-pregnancy. So im hoping. She also suggested that my husband and I put aside some baby making time every other day after my period ends. Well damn, my period ended 4 days ago… we should get to it then!! Problem is, he’s stuck at work til Saturday morning! :( Lame! He left for work yesterday and when he was home the two days, he was too sick to do any love making. Lol! 

So here’s to our journey to pregnancy #2. Pray that we have a successful one! :)

I’m here on my journey… no on OUR journey to get pregnant, for the second time. It has been a rough road. It hasnt been easy and conceiving hasnt been of any luck either. A lot has happend since the day I miscarried. 

While I was pregnant we were searching for a new place to live in because we couldnt live with roomates anymore not when were having a baby. It took us a while to choose a place, and ironically, we found just that the day after I found out I lost my baby. So we went through with moving anyways. We moved to our new apartment first week of June. I was so happy to finally be on our own again. Living with roomates for almost 2 years was good enough. Shortly after that, we went on our second wedding anniversary trip to Florida. We spent 5 days there and visited all the kingdoms in Disney World. It was a nice little escape from everything we went through. 

Not much happened in between that and now. Just the norms. The usuals. John and I try to conceive but every month were let down when (as i like to call it ) “tom” (time of month) visits. Sometimes I think my mind is wired to make me think Im pregnant, that any little thing makes me feel as if I am. My period cycle has been so off the chains, that sometimes I cant tell anymore. I can tell when Im ovulating cuz my cycles are just so effed up. I just want it to get back to normal already. I was really hoping that I had my first child at 25. I understand, we all have our time. And mine just wasnt now. 

I still have a lot I want to do with my life, and i like to think that maybe God wanted me to enjoy a little be of freedom and enjoy one responsibility at a time. John & I still have a lot to work on as a couple (even though we’ve been together for almost 10 years this coming October). I know my time will come, I have all my trust and faith in Him. 

Today, was my friends son’s Christening and I was the main Godparent. It was an honor to be given that responsibility. That means she trusts me with her child. And I will honor that. So, another friend announces that she was pregnant (which I already knew, cuz I was one of the first she told). It was bittersweet. I was super excited for her, but at the same time it gave me a quick flashback and the emotions Ive tried to avoid just came rushing back. 

Seriously, everyone around me is getting pregnant. Everyone, but me. Everytime I go on facebook, theres someone new thats pregnant.. same with Instagram. Tumblr. Drives me crazy. Cuz it makes me feel like Im doing something wrong here. Its starting to worry me that weve been trying these past 6 months but nothing. Im close to scheduling an appointment to see if Im ovulating. Idk, maybe Im just paranoid.. and a little impatient. =X Anyways, moving forward.

This week, I hope to start my PCE (pre clinical experience) and land a job. Thats my goal. I have 2 interviews and I hope to atleast land one of them because I need it and I want it.