So I had another one of those high hopes last month where I thought I was pregnant, atleast I was hoping… really hard! I was 5 days late.. then just like that TOM decides to visit! WHYYYY!!? Its just been draining! I try so hard not to think about it and just let it happen, but sometimes I just cant help it!! I know my time will come, but can It come soon? Im so eager to start this little family of ours! ;(
Last year we conceived in February.. Maybe february is our lucky month!
TOM ended visiting 6 days later. There goes another disappointment! Oh well, there’s always this month! Bummer!
According to my P Tracker, Tom is suppose to be visiting today (Tom = Time Of Month). And as usual I was expecting it, BUT hopes it doesnt come. Well Tom hasnt showed up. I’ve been having a lot of mucusy discharge in my underwear (sorry, tmi) and Im not sure what to think of it. Its clear but not stretchy as it would be during ovulation. I took a pregnancy test 2 days ago cuz I was feeling weird. BUT sadly it was, as I expected, negative. This whole TTC has been emotionally draining. I hope for it every month, but every month I get disappointed. Its been 6 months and some days since the mc. We didnt start ttc-ing again til June-ish. And every month its just been draining. My cycles have been all over the place since May. I didnt have one in July and it came in but had twice in August. But it seemed as if its slowly went back to normal for August to September.
So this is how its been logged: I got my first period back after the MC, on May 15 (which was around the normal day I would get it pre-pregnancy). June 26 it was a 42 days cycle length. Skipped July. Aug 2 was an average 37 days. Then I got it again August 28, which is 26 days cycle length. Then the last time I got it was September 27 with a 30 day cycle length. So I was suppose to get it today. Im scared to test again just because Im tired of disappointing myself. If Tom still doesnt visit in a week, I’ll test. So lets hope Tom never comes and I am. (cross fingers) But I wont expect much.
I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and she suggested we got “busy” every other day after my period. BUT thats been hard because of Johns schedule. And now that Im working were both tired. When one wants it, the other is already fas asleep! Haha!
Anyone else feel this way? Its emotionally frustrating.. especially with everyone else being pregnant around me. :(
Time does fly though! All of that feels like it just happened yesterday. I can still remember the night very clearly. But anyway, Ive already ranted and vented about this so I dont wanna sound redundant!
I went to the doctors today to get a papsmear because I thought I was due for one, but I guess since I was pregnant the paps they did for me then will have to do. So i didnt get one, but rather a very thoughtful conversation with my provider. Even though I didnt need a paps, she took the time to see me anyway. We just talked about miscarries and trying to conceive again. She told me her story about her experience with miscarriages and how she tried for a while before having both her kids. She said stress levels can play a big factor. Like stressing over when and if. She said to just let it be and let my body relax and readjust. Like I said my cycles are slowly getting back to my regular cycle pre-pregnancy. So im hoping. She also suggested that my husband and I put aside some baby making time every other day after my period ends. Well damn, my period ended 4 days ago… we should get to it then!! Problem is, he’s stuck at work til Saturday morning! :( Lame! He left for work yesterday and when he was home the two days, he was too sick to do any love making. Lol!
So here’s to our journey to pregnancy #2. Pray that we have a successful one! :)
I’m here on my journey… no on OUR journey to get pregnant, for the second time. It has been a rough road. It hasnt been easy and conceiving hasnt been of any luck either. A lot has happend since the day I miscarried.
While I was pregnant we were searching for a new place to live in because we couldnt live with roomates anymore not when were having a baby. It took us a while to choose a place, and ironically, we found just that the day after I found out I lost my baby. So we went through with moving anyways. We moved to our new apartment first week of June. I was so happy to finally be on our own again. Living with roomates for almost 2 years was good enough. Shortly after that, we went on our second wedding anniversary trip to Florida. We spent 5 days there and visited all the kingdoms in Disney World. It was a nice little escape from everything we went through.
Not much happened in between that and now. Just the norms. The usuals. John and I try to conceive but every month were let down when (as i like to call it ) “tom” (time of month) visits. Sometimes I think my mind is wired to make me think Im pregnant, that any little thing makes me feel as if I am. My period cycle has been so off the chains, that sometimes I cant tell anymore. I can tell when Im ovulating cuz my cycles are just so effed up. I just want it to get back to normal already. I was really hoping that I had my first child at 25. I understand, we all have our time. And mine just wasnt now.
I still have a lot I want to do with my life, and i like to think that maybe God wanted me to enjoy a little be of freedom and enjoy one responsibility at a time. John & I still have a lot to work on as a couple (even though we’ve been together for almost 10 years this coming October). I know my time will come, I have all my trust and faith in Him.
Today, was my friends son’s Christening and I was the main Godparent. It was an honor to be given that responsibility. That means she trusts me with her child. And I will honor that. So, another friend announces that she was pregnant (which I already knew, cuz I was one of the first she told). It was bittersweet. I was super excited for her, but at the same time it gave me a quick flashback and the emotions Ive tried to avoid just came rushing back.
Seriously, everyone around me is getting pregnant. Everyone, but me. Everytime I go on facebook, theres someone new thats pregnant.. same with Instagram. Tumblr. Drives me crazy. Cuz it makes me feel like Im doing something wrong here. Its starting to worry me that weve been trying these past 6 months but nothing. Im close to scheduling an appointment to see if Im ovulating. Idk, maybe Im just paranoid.. and a little impatient. =X Anyways, moving forward.
This week, I hope to start my PCE (pre clinical experience) and land a job. Thats my goal. I have 2 interviews and I hope to atleast land one of them because I need it and I want it.
The case of the “why am I the only one not getting pregnant?” =\ I swear everyone and their mamas are preggos. Instagram, facebook, tumblr. It leaves this bittersweet feeling inside of me. I think Im healed, and Im okay. Then there’s days.. like today, where I just feel like my chances are slipping away and then seeing that everyone is preggo gets me feeling all emotional. I cant explain the emotions. Envious, sad, i dont know. Its emotions I shouldnt feel. I feel guilty about feeling them. I mean Im happy for everyone who are lucky enough to have such a blessing. But I dont understand why i feel emotions, otherwise. Tell me Im not crazy, and that some of you feel the same way.
Were still definitely trying to conceive, but I think my body is still trying to get back to normal, that right now, it doesnt know what normal is. My cycles have been all over the place. But ive been keeping track since my first period after the miscarriage. And i’d like to think its slowly getting back to normal. Slowly, its been almost 6 months. (Wow! Has it really been 6 months? I would have been due halloween of this year, and that would have been mine and Johns 10 year dating anniversary… woulda been perfect) Sadly, nothing is ever perfect. Not in my story atleast. I know I just have to have patience. But it urks me sometimes that its so easy for some people to get pregnant, and often times its with females who doesn’t even want to be pregnant! Like “Eff! Im not ready for this, I wasnt even trying.. but oh well!” But i cant be jealous. I cant. Cuz i will have my time. I know He has a plan for me. For us. Have patience, i remind myself. But sometimes, I cant help myself. I cant stop the tears from falling.
Stay strong, I say.
Just thought id share this here as well :)
This was from our wedding photographer! Im surprised they still had it available for viewing online! I was originally looking for our wedding highlights from my videographer, but i guess that one was taken down! :(
Ps- idk why its on mute, but theres music playing in the background incase you dont hear anything. Click on the lines to adjust the volume :)
Its been exactly two months since the day I found out I lost my baby. There’s not a day where I dont think about it. It still make me sad, I dont know if Ive actually moved on, matter of fact I dont know if I will ever really move on, but I am coping a lot better. Life is somewhat back to normal, but heck, what is normal?
John and I have agreed that we’d keep trying, but sometimes I have the fear of it happening again. I know nothing is guaranteed and I just gotta stay positive and have faith, but I just dont know if I can bare another loss. That first one was too heart breaking to even put into words.
Today I sat here and thought about how far along I would have been. I would have been on my 19th week this week. I remember being excited cuz we’d find the gender of the baby just before Father’s Day and it would have been one awesome father’s day gift. But i know i cant dwell on the past, and just gotta keep moving forward. But…
It still hurts.
It was 9pm, when I laid in bed and started to feel cramps. It wasn’t that bad at first so, I decided to just stop what I was doing and try to sleep. I ended up browsing the internet for a little bit until around 11ish pm where I decided to really try and sleep. But the pain just kept worsening. I called Johns work around midnight because i was in scrutinizing pain, but no luck cuz John was out of the office but they promised theyd get the message out to him. He calls me back 15 minutes later, and I was telling him the pain i was feeling. No pain I have ever felt before, it was period cramps times 10! I was curled up in fetal position in tears. So i told John Id wait it out and maybe itll go away. It didnt. Finally at 12:50 I call him back to tell him I need to go to the ER because I felt really wet too. He calls one of our friends to check on me, who’s room was across the hall. I crawled out of bed because I could not even stand up. I crawled my way to the bathroom so I can change and the last thing I remember was my sweatpants being soaked in blood (tmi, sorry). Laurence, our housemate, was in panic too. I just remember him having to assist me in the car cuz i couldnt walk. The drive to the ER felt long! I felt so bad for Laurene , poor guy was panicking, cuz I couldnt stop screaming. It was just so painful. It was like someone stabbing my uterus and crushing it at the same time. I didnt think it would stop.
Prior to this, just the day before. I had another ob follow up. They checked me again via ultrasound and confirmed that the baby is infact 8weeks4days. So we discussed my options. I opted to do it naturally, but the doctor also set up a D&C (surgery) appointment for April 21, just incase. Well, I didnt have to go through surgery, cuz it was coming naturally and it hurt soo much!
By the time we got to the ER it was 1:20am. And i was directed straight into a room. They checked my vitals and blood was still flowing and the pain felt like it was getting worse by the minute. I had a nurse come in and stuck an I.V. on me and checked my blood pressure. I was being monitored. Nurse gave me pain killers, which somewhat worked. Doctors finally come in and they do some pelvic exams. Blood was still flowing, the room got a little messy cuz the doctor had to take out all the clotting. After that was out, i felt better. John finally arrives at the hospital and he walks in, and sees me helpless on the bed. Everytime I screamed in pain, John squeezed my hand. He whispered “I feel so useless!” I reassured him and let him know his presence was enough.
After 4 hours in the ER, we were finally discharged. John & I cried one last time on the hospital bed and he hugged and held me and said “I promise you, I am not leaving, Im not going anywhere” That was all the boost I needed to get myself together.
He put me on the wheelchair and lead me to the pharmacy. I threw up twice the whole time I was there. It must have been all the drugs. I threw up again when we were waiting for my medications. 5 different medications to take. And once again, we leave the hospital… empty. The feeling of emptiness. It was almost 5 am when we got home. I had to lay with pads on the bed. John stayed up and waited til I fell asleep.
This experience has been the most overwhelming and painful thing I have experience thus far. To think for almost 2 weeks what I thought was a growing baby, was had already gone. It has mentally, emotionally, and physically drained me. But it has also made me that much stronger. It proved to me that John & I work well as a team, that he & I, can get through anything and everything together. Through thick & thin. & Someday, I hope and pray that we can be just as strong together as parents.