Sorry my fellow mumblrs, if I have been MIA. But here’s why. Prepare, its a bit of a read! I didnt edit, so its just me rambling, bare with me.
We woke up extra early, 6:45am to get ready for the day. Our OB appointment was at 8am at Boone Clinic. I dont think I slept long enough, cuz I was tired, but I had a hard time sleeping. There was so many things going through my mind, both positive and negative and i just couldnt shake it off. So we were running a little late, or so we thought, we got to the clinic just on time to find out there was a fire drill or whatever. So we had to wait out in the parking lot for what felt like 15 minutes. We finally get in the clinic around 820am. All the nervousness came rushing in. This was it, we were here at our first OB appointment. I was anticipating the ultrasound/heartbeat at this appointment. I was excited to see and hear my baby. I was at 10 weeks and I was finally seeing an OB! They called my name about 5 minutes after checking in. John held my hand, and we walked in the room.
The nurse did the all the usuals, got my vitals and alla that: weight, temp, blood pressure. John & I waited in the room for about 5-10 minutes. We took pictures so we can have something to add to our “baby” book. So i finally meet my OB, and she introduces herself and asked a lot of questions. We talked for a bit, the she went on to do some pelvic exams. I was still nervous and excited. Out came the ultrasound monitors. So she did a vaginal ultrasound where they stuck the thing inside my vagina (tmi, i know) It was all jelly. But in an instant, there it was, my baby, our baby. That very moment, I was filled with so much joy and excitement.
And then, the unfortunate happened.. Ive had a feeling something might be wrong. Even days before the appointment. The OB’s gestures, gave it away. She was awfully quiet and looking closely at the screen. I didnt even get a chance to look over at John who was holding my hands and standing right next to me. & Within a second, all that joy and excitement, turned into fear. She turned to look at me and explain to me what she was seeing and wasnt seeing. She said the baby was only measuring at 8 weeks and 4 days, when I should clearly by 10 weeks and 4days. I knew i couldn’t have been 2 weeks off. So she went on about how she couldnt see any flutters at where the heart is suppose to be. So she zooms in and shows me the baby’s heart. It was still, no movements. The baby wasnt moving either. I was in tears, i held John’s hand tighter. The ob walks off to go to another room to schedule a formal ultrasound for me asap. She came back and told me that maybe I was only 8 weeks and that we just couldnt get the baby to move, but I KNEW, i knew something was wrong. Days before the appointment, I already had a gut feeling something didn’t feel right. After I got dressed, I sat on the bed shaking and on the verge of crying. John held me tight and whispered everything will be okay. So we left, feeling empty. What was suppose to be a day full of excitement, turned into sucha gloomy day.. it didnt help that the weather was gloomy!
So we get home, and I still wasnt in the mood to eat. I asked John to drive straight to church. Unfortunately it was closed, so we went into the garden and I sat there and prayed, and thats when I broke down in tears. We get home. We take a quick nap. But it was so hard for me to even close my eyes because all I could think about was the baby.
I was finally hungry, and around 3:30 we get up and get ready, as I was walking out the door, I had the sudden urge to pee, and when I sat down, I saw blood spots for the first time. And i remebered the ob telling me that if i start to spot from now til the next appointment to head to the ER. So thats what we did.
I was in the ER until abut 10pm. They monitored me. I had 3 different doctors come in and out. 2 vaginal ultrasound, until finally they sent me to radiology for my formal ultrasound. The ultrasound tech who took care of me was very nice. She kept giving me words of inspiration. Not to give up, that this happens to many other women. I laid there in the dark quietly, still praying that maybe some miracle would happen and the baby would survive. But no, the tests ended and she brought John in the room, I sat on the wheelchair and she gave me a hug. Right there, I knew I did all I could. And the only thing left for me to do is accept.