TOM ended visiting 6 days later. There goes another disappointment! Oh well, there’s always this month! Bummer! 

According to my P Tracker, Tom is suppose to be visiting today (Tom = Time Of Month). And as usual I was expecting it, BUT hopes it doesnt come. Well Tom hasnt showed up. I’ve been having a lot of mucusy discharge in my underwear (sorry, tmi) and Im not sure what to think of it. Its clear but not stretchy as it would be during ovulation. I took a pregnancy test 2 days ago cuz I was feeling weird. BUT sadly it was, as I expected, negative. This whole TTC has been emotionally draining. I hope for it every month, but every month I get disappointed. Its been 6 months and some days since the mc. We didnt start ttc-ing again til June-ish. And every month its just been draining. My cycles have been all over the place since May. I didnt have one in July and it came in but had twice in August. But it seemed as if its slowly went back to normal for August to September.

So this is how its been logged: I got my first period back after the MC, on May 15 (which was around the normal day I would get it pre-pregnancy). June 26 it was a 42 days cycle length. Skipped July. Aug 2 was an average 37 days. Then I got it again August 28, which is 26 days cycle length. Then the last time I got it was September 27 with a 30 day cycle length. So I was suppose to get it today. Im scared to test again just because Im tired of disappointing myself. If Tom still doesnt visit in a week, I’ll test. So lets hope Tom never comes and I am. (cross fingers) But I wont expect much. 

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and she suggested we got “busy” every other day after my period. BUT thats been hard because of Johns schedule. And now that Im working were both tired. When one wants it, the other is already fas asleep! Haha!

Anyone else feel this way? Its emotionally frustrating.. especially with everyone else being pregnant around me. :(

Time does fly though! All of that feels like it just happened yesterday. I can still remember the night very clearly. But anyway, Ive already ranted and vented about this so I dont wanna sound redundant! 

I went to the doctors today to get a papsmear because I thought I was due for one, but I guess since I was pregnant the paps they did for me then will have to do. So i didnt get one, but rather a very thoughtful conversation with my provider. Even though I didnt need a paps, she took the time to see me anyway. We just talked about miscarries and trying to conceive again. She told me her story about her experience with miscarriages and how she tried for a while before having both her kids. She said stress levels can play a big factor. Like stressing over when and if. She said to just let it be and let my body relax and readjust. Like I said my cycles are slowly getting back to my regular cycle pre-pregnancy. So im hoping. She also suggested that my husband and I put aside some baby making time every other day after my period ends. Well damn, my period ended 4 days ago… we should get to it then!! Problem is, he’s stuck at work til Saturday morning! :( Lame! He left for work yesterday and when he was home the two days, he was too sick to do any love making. Lol! 

So here’s to our journey to pregnancy #2. Pray that we have a successful one! :)

I’m here on my journey… no on OUR journey to get pregnant, for the second time. It has been a rough road. It hasnt been easy and conceiving hasnt been of any luck either. A lot has happend since the day I miscarried. 

While I was pregnant we were searching for a new place to live in because we couldnt live with roomates anymore not when were having a baby. It took us a while to choose a place, and ironically, we found just that the day after I found out I lost my baby. So we went through with moving anyways. We moved to our new apartment first week of June. I was so happy to finally be on our own again. Living with roomates for almost 2 years was good enough. Shortly after that, we went on our second wedding anniversary trip to Florida. We spent 5 days there and visited all the kingdoms in Disney World. It was a nice little escape from everything we went through. 

Not much happened in between that and now. Just the norms. The usuals. John and I try to conceive but every month were let down when (as i like to call it ) “tom” (time of month) visits. Sometimes I think my mind is wired to make me think Im pregnant, that any little thing makes me feel as if I am. My period cycle has been so off the chains, that sometimes I cant tell anymore. I can tell when Im ovulating cuz my cycles are just so effed up. I just want it to get back to normal already. I was really hoping that I had my first child at 25. I understand, we all have our time. And mine just wasnt now. 

I still have a lot I want to do with my life, and i like to think that maybe God wanted me to enjoy a little be of freedom and enjoy one responsibility at a time. John & I still have a lot to work on as a couple (even though we’ve been together for almost 10 years this coming October). I know my time will come, I have all my trust and faith in Him. 

Today, was my friends son’s Christening and I was the main Godparent. It was an honor to be given that responsibility. That means she trusts me with her child. And I will honor that. So, another friend announces that she was pregnant (which I already knew, cuz I was one of the first she told). It was bittersweet. I was super excited for her, but at the same time it gave me a quick flashback and the emotions Ive tried to avoid just came rushing back. 

Seriously, everyone around me is getting pregnant. Everyone, but me. Everytime I go on facebook, theres someone new thats pregnant.. same with Instagram. Tumblr. Drives me crazy. Cuz it makes me feel like Im doing something wrong here. Its starting to worry me that weve been trying these past 6 months but nothing. Im close to scheduling an appointment to see if Im ovulating. Idk, maybe Im just paranoid.. and a little impatient. =X Anyways, moving forward.

This week, I hope to start my PCE (pre clinical experience) and land a job. Thats my goal. I have 2 interviews and I hope to atleast land one of them because I need it and I want it. 

The case of the “why am I the only one not getting pregnant?” =\ I swear everyone and their mamas are preggos. Instagram, facebook, tumblr. It leaves this bittersweet feeling inside of me. I think Im healed, and Im okay. Then there’s days.. like today, where I just feel like my chances are slipping away and then seeing that everyone is preggo gets me feeling all emotional. I cant explain the emotions. Envious, sad, i dont know. Its emotions I shouldnt feel. I feel guilty about feeling them. I mean Im happy for everyone who are lucky enough to have such a blessing. But I dont understand why i feel emotions, otherwise. Tell me Im not crazy, and that some of you feel the same way.

Were still definitely trying to conceive, but I think my body is still trying to get back to normal, that right now, it doesnt know what normal is. My cycles have been all over the place. But ive been keeping track since my first period after the miscarriage. And i’d like to think its slowly getting back to normal. Slowly, its been almost 6 months. (Wow! Has it really been 6 months? I would have been due halloween of this year, and that would have been mine and Johns 10 year dating anniversary… woulda been perfect) Sadly, nothing is ever perfect. Not in my story atleast. I know I just have to have patience. But it urks me sometimes that its so easy for some people to get pregnant, and often times its with females who doesn’t even want to be pregnant! Like “Eff! Im not ready for this, I wasnt even trying.. but oh well!” But i cant be jealous. I cant.  Cuz i will have my time. I know He has a plan for me. For us. Have patience, i remind myself. But sometimes, I cant help myself. I cant stop the tears from falling. 

Stay strong, I say. 

Its been exactly two months since the day I found out I lost my baby. There’s not a day where I dont think about it. It still make me sad, I dont know if Ive actually moved on, matter of fact I dont know if I will ever really move on, but I am coping a lot better. Life is somewhat back to normal, but heck, what is normal? 

John and I have agreed that we’d keep trying, but sometimes I have the fear of it happening again. I know nothing is guaranteed and I just gotta stay positive and have faith, but I just dont know if I can bare another loss. That first one was too heart breaking to even put into words. 

Today I sat here and thought about how far along I would have been. I would have been on my 19th week this week. I remember being excited cuz we’d find the gender of the baby just before Father’s Day and it would have been one awesome father’s day gift. But i know i cant dwell on the past, and just gotta keep moving forward. But…

It still hurts. 

It was 9pm, when I laid in bed and started to feel cramps. It wasn’t that bad at first so, I decided to just stop what I was doing and try to sleep. I ended up browsing the internet for a little bit until around 11ish pm where I decided to really try and sleep. But the pain just kept worsening. I called Johns work around midnight because i was in scrutinizing pain, but no luck cuz John was out of the office but they promised theyd get the message out to him. He calls me back 15 minutes later, and I was telling him the pain i was feeling. No pain I have ever felt before, it was period cramps times 10! I was curled up in fetal position in tears. So i told John Id wait it out and maybe itll go away. It didnt. Finally at 12:50 I call him back to tell him I need to go to the ER because I felt really wet too. He calls one of our friends to check on me, who’s room was across the hall. I crawled out of bed because I could not even stand up. I crawled my way to the bathroom so I can change and the last thing I remember was my sweatpants being soaked in blood (tmi, sorry). Laurence, our housemate, was in panic too. I just remember him having to assist me in the car cuz i couldnt walk. The drive to the ER felt long! I felt so bad for Laurene , poor guy was panicking, cuz I couldnt stop screaming. It was just so painful. It was like someone stabbing my uterus and crushing it at the same time. I didnt think it would stop. 

Prior to this, just the day before. I had another ob follow up. They checked me again via ultrasound and confirmed that the baby is infact 8weeks4days. So we discussed my options. I opted to do it naturally, but the doctor also set up a D&C (surgery) appointment for April 21, just incase. Well, I didnt have to go through surgery, cuz it was coming naturally and it hurt soo much! 

By the time we got to the ER it was 1:20am. And i was directed straight into a room. They checked my vitals and blood was still flowing and the pain felt like it was getting worse by the minute. I had a nurse come in and stuck an I.V. on me and checked my blood pressure. I was being monitored. Nurse gave me pain killers, which somewhat worked. Doctors finally come in and they do some pelvic exams. Blood was still flowing, the room got a little messy cuz the doctor had to take out all the clotting. After that was out, i felt better. John finally arrives at the hospital and he walks in, and sees me helpless on the bed. Everytime I screamed in pain, John squeezed my hand. He whispered “I feel so useless!” I reassured him and let him know his presence was enough. 

After 4 hours in the ER, we were finally discharged. John & I cried one last time on the hospital bed and he hugged and held me and said “I promise you, I am not leaving, Im not going anywhere” That was all the boost I needed to get myself together. 

He put me on the wheelchair and lead me to the pharmacy. I threw up twice the whole time I was there. It must have been all the drugs. I threw up again when we were waiting for my medications. 5 different medications to take. And once again, we leave the hospital… empty. The feeling of emptiness. It was almost 5 am when we got home. I had to lay with pads on the bed. John stayed up and waited til I fell asleep.

This experience has been the most overwhelming and painful thing I have experience thus far. To think for almost 2 weeks what I thought was a growing baby, was had already gone. It has mentally, emotionally, and physically drained me. But it has also made me that much stronger. It proved to me that John & I work well as a team, that he & I, can get through anything and everything together. Through thick & thin. & Someday, I hope and pray that we can be just as strong together as parents. 

Easter Sunday. A time to rejoice, because Christ has risen. While everyone around me celebrated at church, I mourned in silence. As I kneeled praying, tears just kept coming out. I looked over at John, and see that he too, was crying. 

After church, we went over the Sassady’s to celebrate. A few of the homies were there and food was ready. The hardest part was seeing a friend of ours, who was pregnant at the same time as me, her baby bump was already showing. & thinking to myself, that coulda been me too. But i knew i couldnt be envious, there was no need for that. But i couldnt help me. So i stayed in the garage with John and the rest of the guys to try and avoid any emotional breakdown. Because at this point no one knew, except our families. I wasnt ready to talk to anyone about it. How could I? When everytime I do, tears just come rolling down. 

John & I finally decided to go home and change cuz it was extremely hot that day. We took a quick nap as well, and after 45 minutes, we headed to Mt Trashmore. We stopped by the dollar store to buy baby blue and pink balloons. We wanted to do a little memorial. It might be weird to others, but with it being our first pregnancy, we wanted to do something special. Just something, anything to help us get the closure we needed. So we sat at the very top of the hill, sat in silence. And we let the balloons go. As I watched the balloons soar high into the sky, I felt a sense of relief. Because I knew, he or she was now in His kingdom, watching over us. 

God has his reasons, and I may not understand why it happened, but I couldnt be angry with him. He’s given me so much blessings and i am so unworthy. But I thank him every chance I get (til this day) for giving me such an amazing blessing. & I know, one day, when the time is right, He will bless us again. I believe that he knew that John & I were still at a place where we needed to work on ourselves and our marriage before adding another life into our beautiful mess. This baby, saved me. This baby gave me many more reasons to keep pushing, to keep living. It may have only been 8weeks and 4days, but it was my baby. It was a 50% me, 50% John, and definitely 100% human. Some people consider it a fetus, a tissue, and but to me, it mine, my baby, who is now our angel baby. Rest well my little nugget.  

Sorry my fellow mumblrs, if I have been MIA. But here’s why. Prepare, its a bit of a read! I didnt edit, so its just me rambling, bare with me.

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We woke up extra early, 6:45am to get ready for the day. Our OB appointment was at 8am at Boone Clinic. I dont think I slept long enough, cuz I was tired, but I had a hard time sleeping. There was so many things going through my mind, both positive and negative and i just couldnt shake it off. So we were running a little late, or so we thought, we got to the clinic just on time to find out there was a fire drill or whatever. So we had to wait out in the parking lot for what felt like 15 minutes. We finally get in the clinic around 820am. All the nervousness came rushing in. This was it, we were here at our first OB appointment. I was anticipating the ultrasound/heartbeat at this appointment. I was excited to see and hear my baby. I was at 10 weeks and I was finally seeing an OB! They called my name about 5 minutes after checking in. John held my hand, and we walked in the room. 

The nurse did the all the usuals, got my vitals and alla that: weight, temp, blood pressure. John & I waited in the room for about 5-10 minutes. We took pictures so we can have something to add to our “baby” book.  So i finally meet my OB, and she introduces herself and asked a lot of questions. We talked for a bit, the she went on to do some pelvic exams. I was still nervous and excited. Out came the ultrasound monitors. So she did a vaginal ultrasound where they stuck the thing inside my vagina (tmi, i know) It was all jelly. But in an instant, there it was, my baby, our baby. That very moment, I was filled with so much joy and excitement. 

And then, the unfortunate happened.. Ive had a feeling something might be wrong. Even days before the appointment. The OB’s gestures, gave it away. She was awfully quiet and looking closely at the screen. I didnt even get a chance to look over at John who was holding my hands and standing right next to me. & Within a second, all that joy and excitement, turned into fear. She turned to look at me and explain to me what she was seeing and wasnt seeing. She said the baby was only measuring at 8 weeks and 4 days, when I should clearly by 10 weeks and 4days. I knew i couldn’t have been 2 weeks off. So she went on about how she couldnt see any flutters at where the heart is suppose to be. So she zooms in and shows me the baby’s heart. It was still, no movements. The baby wasnt moving either. I was in tears, i held John’s hand tighter. The ob walks off to go to another room to schedule a formal ultrasound for me asap. She came back and told me that maybe I was only 8 weeks and that we just couldnt get the baby to move, but I KNEW, i knew something was wrong. Days before the appointment, I already had a gut feeling something didn’t feel right. After I got dressed, I sat on the bed shaking and on the verge of crying. John held me tight and whispered everything will be okay. So we left, feeling empty. What was suppose to be a day full of excitement, turned into sucha gloomy day.. it didnt help that the weather was gloomy!

So we get home, and I still wasnt in the mood to eat. I asked John to drive straight to church. Unfortunately it was closed, so we went into the garden and I sat there and prayed, and thats when I broke down in tears. We get home. We take a quick nap. But it was so hard for me to even close my eyes because all I could think about was the baby. 

I was finally hungry, and around 3:30 we get up and get ready, as I was walking out the door, I had the sudden urge to pee, and when I sat down, I saw blood spots for the first time. And i remebered the ob telling me that if i start to spot from now til the next appointment to head to the ER. So thats what we did. 

I was in the ER until abut 10pm. They monitored me. I had 3 different doctors come in and out. 2 vaginal ultrasound, until finally they sent me to radiology for my formal ultrasound. The ultrasound tech who took care of me was very nice. She kept giving me words of inspiration. Not to give up, that this happens to many other women. I laid there in the dark quietly, still praying that maybe some miracle would happen and the baby would survive. But no, the tests ended and she brought John in the room, I sat on the wheelchair and she gave me a hug. Right there, I knew I did all I could. And the only thing left for me to do is accept.